Struggling with a close person who doesn’t seem to be on the same page? Maybe they’re growing distant, showing less affection, less interest, or simply no longer the person they once were. If any of that feels familiar, this post might resonate with you. My hope is that you walk away with either a sense of validation or maybe even a small plan to help you reclaim the situation.

The Unspoken Language of Change

More often than not, people do tell you what’s wrong—with them or with you—but not always through their words or actions, but sometimes through the lack thereof. What complicates this, and is sometimes hard to accept, is that humans can change at their core, influenced by their biology, psyche, or life events. And if you’re in the midst of a conflict, you might jump to the conclusion that you’ve uncovered their ‘true’ mask. However, consider this: rather than it being a mask, it might be a genuine change you didn’t anticipate, even if you disagree with the change itself.

Baggage, Beliefs, and Our Blind Spots

Perhaps you missed the signs, weren’t aware of what could trigger such a shift in them, or what version of them might emerge due to changes, whether related to you or outside of anyone’s control. Or you might not have properly understood the baggage they or you brought to the relationship, how that baggage was destined to increase with time, and the profound role it could eventually play in making either of you become someone the other no longer recognizes or wants to associate with.

Of course, believing you’ve seen their “true, bad” self is a tempting path. It’s easier to convince yourself that they were inherently flawed all along, and that you were simply blinded by love, care, life priorities, business priorities, or maybe because you were in a very tricky situation. While this might be true for some, it isn’t the case for everyone. And it’s important to remember this applies broadly—not just to lovers, but potentially to business partners, a parent, a friend, anyone.

The narrative that “they are just like that” can make moving on simpler, and it can excuse you from putting any more effort or energy into figuring out the real, perhaps more complicated, issues—issues you could gain so much by unraveling because it says so much about you too.

Knowing When to Step Back

But I do acknowledge that some people are genuinely too risky to be around; after all, narcissists, pathological liars, and sadistic people, to name a few, do exist, and it isn’t worth taking that alternative path of deep understanding with them. However, if your life, safety, financial stability, and anything else that truly matters to you isn’t at risk, then deeper consideration might be worthwhile, as long as you aren’t dealing with such complex and dangerous personalities.

The Difficult Path of Looking Back

So, starting from the assumption that life happens, that people change, and that we’ve often had a role to play (sometimes simply by not being well-informed—perhaps by not understanding how life’s unfolding events might bring about that change or what it would look like), it becomes crucial to understand the chronological order of things. However, because unpleasant interactions and experiences leave emotional scars, it can be incredibly emotionally taxing to step back, pause, and remember—without the current weight of emotions—how all of this started: who made the first mistake, who first stopped trying, who shut down first, and the whys behind it all.

Despite how hard this sounds, it is important to look back—not to assign blame, but to understand what it was that changed everything. Was it us who enabled it? Were we too apologetic, were we conflict-avoidant? The list goes on. What role did we play in the frequency or intensity of those issues?

But beyond understanding the order of events, it is equally important to unpack why taking action now has become so critical.

• What is so different now compared to before?
• Why can the status quo no longer be maintained?
• Is the stake higher now, or is it that you’ve changed?

Reactions, Adaptations, and Missed Connections

Let’s revisit the tendency to overlook why people change and how important understanding that is. It can be painful to acknowledge that the role we played might have been bigger than we initially thought. That’s hard to accept because sometimes we just ask ourselves and wonder, ‘Did I do anything wrong to them?’ Sometimes, it’s not necessarily about doing something ‘wrong.’ Perhaps you changed in ways they didn’t expect—a change that, for you, feels normal but for them is more surreal. Or perhaps, on the other hand, you didn’t adapt enough to their evolving needs. This isn’t about fairness; it’s about recognizing that as people change—whether they improve at something, requiring us to rise to that occasion, or whether they decline and need a different, perhaps deeper, kind of support due to their condition—our reactions matter.

I remember last year when I visited my grandpa. He was about to turn 90 years old. He tapped my foot and told me, ‘I love you,’ but then he added, ‘I am sad; your cousin isn’t asking about me.’ My grandpa, who had never really seemed to care if the kids asked about him before, clearly felt he was missing something—he needed that emotional connection.

• Was it that he was feeling lonely?
• Did he know his days were few?
• Did he feel that he wasn’t appreciated enough—that all the grandkids were now wrapped up in their own worlds, perhaps forgetting the role he played in their lives and successes? Now, after he’s passed away, I feel bad that I never called her to ask her to give him a call. I am sure that might have made a difference for him.

The Sting of Unapproved Change

Remember, this isn’t about blaming yourself, or them. It’s about unpacking the space between accepting without necessarily forgiving, and forgiving without necessarily expecting. Sometimes, it feels we can only accept a change if we approved it beforehand; if we’re robbed of that power, it’s as if we’ve been cheated. You feel cheated — not necessarily by their actions, but by the fact that they changed without your permission, without your input.

Finding Hope in the Storm

I know you’re exhausted in that dinghy, patching it, bailing water, utterly worn out—but hope is still there. Hope remains, even when time passes and, with it, warm, affectionate, and reassuring voices become scarcer while the holes of loneliness in your life just seem to get bigger. Yet, stepping onto that path of uncovering the layers of the issue could, in itself, be the very change your spirit has needed most.

Final Note

I am not a therapist or life coach, and this post isn’t intended to establish any authority on the topics we’ve just discussed. However, I am happy to listen if that helps, so please feel free to reach out.

If you found this post valuable, inspiring, or thought-provoking, please consider supporting my work with a small tip. It helps keep the writing going — and the coffee flowing ☕

Good luck!